Once upon a time…I can say that I was probably the furthest away from where I am now! This isn’t a fairytale nor a story with a sad ending – it’s somewhere in between and it’s my story. I remember not so long ago, when I was based doing my work at ICE (Institute For Creative Enterprise) in Coventry, having a conversation with the lovely Justin Craig about marketing and how to get my music out there to people. He was saying about having a story – discovering what that is, and that it’s the story that can market you because it connects with people. Hey who didn’t love a good story when they were a little kid right?! Most of what I can recall from being a little girl (aside from general playing) was looking up at my teacher whilst sitting on the floor in the classroom as she read us a story. So, I guess I realised what my story is. Thus far at least!…

Assuming you are here reading this because either you know me as a singer-songwriter or you are interested somewhat in my music then you can trust that this story very much links in with what my songs are about and why ‘who I am’ is integral to that.

So on Monday I took a drive out of Auckland and down towards Rotorua in New Zealand – the country that is my new home. Between Auckland, NZ and Coventry, UK, I feel I have two homes – perhaps one spiritual and one emotional home. Nowadays I am fairly nomadic so physically it almost doesn’t matter where I am as long as my spiritual and emotional self is happy and fulfilled. So back to the day trip! I can safely say it was the best day I have had in New Zealand, and possibly the best day in years. So simple, so beautiful. But the story doesn’t start on Monday – I guess it started just over 5 years ago…And God what a rollercoaster it has been!…

From being totally in love with another to losing her almost in an instant – my partner’s world changed and so in turn it changed our world and, then, my world. It’s not for me to go into the details but I can honestly say that although death is natural and guaranteed it can and does absolutely turn lives and future plans upside down. And so it began – what I thought my – at least short term – life would look like, became something very different. And that was hard! I went through much confusion, sadness, depression and essentially felt like I’d lost myself. Although it was not my place to grieve, I ended up going through my own loss and grieving for a person, a woman, that I loved so dearly as well as feeling the loss of a beloved in her world, who I also very much cared for in the short time that I knew her. Life sometimes throws you a curveball and it lands right in your face! So as the rug was well and truly pulled out from under me, in what seemed like all areas of my life, I had to find ways of dealing with it all. What would I do as my relationship broke down, as I left one thoroughly established realm of interest and work (theatre/performance) and sought a pathway into another (music and events/creative projects), as I remained in a city that I didn’t expect to and didn’t want to keep living in, and as I ended up being alone, unsteady, and vulnerable…?

I found strength – within and without. I can recall vividly the time where I would cry every day and feel as though it would take a miracle to feel emotionally stable again, and to be happy. Even though ‘bad things’ hadn’t happened to me, which I was so thankful for – I had my health, a great family, friends, and so on – I still had to work through the darkness. And I learnt so much about myself as well as about others. I continued to love, and will always have love for, the woman who presented me with many challenges after so much ease and light. I battled with self-belief and confidence in who I was, in every way. My own darkness was reflected externally and I will always say and believe that we do create our own reality – I created and continue to create my life. So, I strived to be responsible for that…

Digging deep for a long period of time, having people cross my path who would teach me and special people who are now the dearest of friends, and allowing myself to be brave as well as to make mistakes, I was on my way to where I am now. Music also played a huge part and is in my heart for that reason. It really genuinely felt and feels as though creating the songs that formed my debut album ‘Trust Again’, as well as the other releases since that album, helped me beyond words! To process all that was happening in my world. Crying in my German best friend’s Berlin apartment 2 days after splitting from my beloved I wrote the words, melody and guitar part to ‘Wasted Time’ (still one of my favourite songs to sing), feeling quite lost and unhappy I wrote ‘Please Be’ alone in my house in between prayers and writing, and each song has its’ own mini story. Plus each song enabled me to express in a way that discussion or writing, or anything else for that matter, couldn’t do. For me music is truth. But I believe that no one thing is the reason for my positive change – that instead it is a combination of thoughts, actions, intentions, synchronistic meetings and deliberate choices which can enable gradual positive change. Now in my lightness it all sounds so dramatic but I guess it was, and at the time – for years – it took much effort to be where I now am emotionally and so forth. One part of the equation that led to who and where I am now (which is happy, light, ambitious, reflective and, most importantly, responsible for all that I create in my life!) is seeing an image of a distant place that fuelled my passion for life and living. That image was in New Zealand…

In fact the image was of a specific place called Lake Okareka Lodge by lebua. This happens to be a 5 star lodge in Rotorua, NZ. But that wasn’t so much the point. All I recall is that in my despair I was looking on the internet at a place in Thailand (where we had just returned from) and it linked to the lodge. It was as though light had just streamed into a dark room – the feeling it gave to me was of hope and possibility. That I had something to work towards, something that was great and beyond the despair I was feeling about my ‘little’ life that seemed to be crumbling (of which I felt I had no control). I suppose it also appealed to the side of me that likes luxury and desires to be rich, so that I can enjoy some of the physical things in life without the struggle that I have seen around me in my family and my city of birth. So I kept this image in the back of my mind since that time, 4 and a half years ago. It represents more to me than any other photo of a gorgeous beach house or idyllic setting. The power of its’ symbology has been huge, and my move to New Zealand can most certainly be attributed in part to it. I have a great vision for my life but vision means nothing without heart and soul. I go where I’m drawn to and absolutely do what I want to, not because I’m rebelling but because I feel that being true to your heart and intuition is so important. Sometimes this is the ‘harder’ route – more risky and challenging but perhaps it is the most rewarding?

So my story has a million events and choices and feelings etc. that could be referred to but this isn’t a novel and it’s time for the end soon…but before that we need a conclusion – a ‘what happened next?’ answer. Well, on Monday I went to Lake Okareka Lodge by lebua. Not as a guest, just as a visitor (I’m not yet living the luxurious life!) and I stood in the place where the photo was taken – the image that I kept in the back of my mind and within my heart that helped me to go from ‘down’ to ‘up’ and from ‘dark’ to ‘light’. I stood there and I smiled and thought/felt/said ‘WOW! I made it!’ It meant the world to me……

I left my Auckland apartment later than I had planned and started to feel a bit stressed about that but then I reminded myself about that quote to do with enjoying the journey and not just the destination. A shift of thought and feeling changed everything – I enjoyed the journey and it made the destination even sweeter! Thankful for everything that has been, this is my story up until now. Treasure all that gives you hope and honour your vision – all will come right, even if you only see darkness around you. Edge towards the light that you ‘know’ is there, even if it just seems like a slow shuffle forwards. Keep moving, keep going. One day you’ll end up in a different place and all that movement will have provided your growth. There is everything to live for – be true to your heart and eventually the rewards are tangible – you’ll know that your life is worthwhile, regardless of the external conditions.

Peace and blessings and thank you for reading this…
For further info go to: http://www.lebua.com/en/lake-okareka-lodge/
For some photos from my trip go to: http://www.twitpic.com/photos/veritypabla